Reverence and Reverie
It’s been a minute since I’ve written, and honestly I’m disappointed in myself. In a culture where you’re supposed to be “soft on yourself” I have definitely fallen into the adverse effects of that—demotivation and apathy. Lord, have mercy on me and my creativity.
People have been talking about their word for the year. I find the calendar year to be limiting as the seasons I’m in tend to defy month-ends on purpose. It’s safe to say that my word—or whatever you call it—was commissioned when I stepped back into freelance as the latest version of myself.
The freelance life officially began in January 2019—and I haven’t even fully launched faithology.studio yet. I’m learning a lot about pacing myself, staying creative, and how knowing my worth actually helps the art community at large. Freedom is a double-edged sword. I went from a nine-to-five to this and I’m instantly, like, DO ALL THE THINGS. Something I learned quickly: taking intentional rest days is not only a God-ordained blessing to me but also to my marriage and to those around me. Because who likes being around an *unrested ENFP/2w3? (*sociopaths that feel like no one appreciates or cares about them)
Today, with almost zero intentional marketing involved, I am grateful to have a full client list, manageable hours, and a supportive husband who leads and cares for me well. I am creating again, and not just with graphic design.
Confession time: graphic design was never the primary pursuit. Writing music has always given chase even when I thought those days were behind me. Sure, we can talk about the folk duo I was a part a decade ago, but divorcing from that old persona has been a process of surrender. Songwriting has been a part of that process and learning to let people into that space has been challenging. With a couple songs in my Notes and Voice Memo, I’m realizing daydreams again.
The discipline of sitting and writing music has shown me that I haven’t quite allowed myself to create without being derivative. I think I’m afraid of being corny or even misunderstood. As a worship leader, there’s also the pressure of writing solely in the contemporary worship genre (though I’ve written a lot in this sphere, too). Selah moments and the Psalms have taught me that I shouldn’t compartmentalize the Divine and the secular. In every part, Christ is all in and in all. Even in my wrestles with His goodness, silent profanity, celebration, light, darkness, and everything else that comes with being human, God sees, knows, and sympathizes with my dust. He doesn’t want me to divorce my experience from my spiritual formation, because they’re one and the same.
The challenge is sharing those moments with others. Much of the delay of sharing my music comes from my own Music Director brain that is frustrated with cosmetic things like my inconsistent pitch and style. But the content is there. Ryan O’Neal/Sleeping At Last said in an Instagram story, “I try to not force my faith in or out of my music.” So that’s the landscape I’m exploring right now when it comes to music.
All that to say here’s my word: Reverence and Reverie.
Okay, yeah, it’s two words, but one thing.
Reverence
—because I’m rediscovering liturgy in my own life. As someone who thrives on spontaneity, it was a surprise to find that I work well with a morning routine to set the tone for the rest of my day. Since my whole job involves screens and the temptation to stay shallow, I need to go deeper. I have to start my day with sacred conversations with God through praying the Word and pausing to listen. That’s a rinse-and-repeat for the rest of the day, but my actual day must start with only that. It’s a posture that tethers me to what is True of the God I serve, myself, my marriage, and the world around me. Many may call it doing your devotion, but it’s become such a norm that I feel like this process of meditation starts every morning but never ends.
(Disclaimer: Different people go through the Bible differently. I found what works for me and my daily rhythm with God, and I encourage you to settle into yours. But please, please make sure that it is centered on the sufficient Word of God.)
Reverie
—because I’m rediscovering what moves me. I have prioritized function over form, method over muse for so long that I lost my whimsy. There was a time in my single years when I went to Disneyland every other week to help me catch waves of inspiration and to suffocate my own cynicism. When I stopped hating everything, it was “back to work.” Yeah, I stopped hating stuff, but I wouldn’t let myself get lost anymore. God gave each of us an imagination to think upon grace and all that is above, and seriously stoic hardness doesn’t always mean spiritual maturity. I’m learning to wade in wonder again, and that reverie has actually fueled my reverence for the Lord even more.
So there’s that.
on the radar
I want to end these journal entries with things I’m loving lately. I’ll think of a more clever name than “On the Radar” soon. Hopefully. Help.
Terrell
Let. Me. Tell. You. Terrell’s reactions to glorious vocal runs and anointed tone are everything and more. He’s a brilliant content creator and I am here for it. If you didn’t know, now you know, and you’re welcome.
Creative Mornings
These free monthly meetings cultivate the creative community with enriching conversation and complimentary coffee. There’s probably a city near you that hosts CreativeMornings, so step out and attend one!
“Summer or Something” spotify playlist
I’m ready for summer, but this playlist isn’t. So here’s what I have so far. If you follow this playlist, you may catch me adding new songs or removing some. Moods and seasons change, ya’ll.