Twenty-Seven and Doing My Best
I'm not really sure when I stopped celebrating my birthday in huge, extravagant ways, but for some reason I'm always secretly surprised that it comes around every year just like every other day does. Never do I intend to bag on people who go all out on their birthdays and birthday months (actually, I lowkey envy you), but I can't pretend that my pride gets a little *grunts as if being punched in the gut* when we are all just too busy to take the time to say, "Hey, it's been a good year. TY, Jesus." I suppose I'll just do that here. If you're reading this, you're invited to this birthday party right here.
This past year took me to Palawan, Chicago, and to a road trip up the coast to San Francisco with my husband with barely enough money to coast the I-15 back home. It also brought me through some super mega-crappy financial situations that led me to question everything about where I was and what I was doing. My husband and I had many-a packets of ramen, fried rice and adobo, and every other cost-effective dish we could afford to keep full until the next paycheck. We lived like hermits because everything costs money nowadays, except for walks and consoling hugs with your spouse. Sure we've allowed ourselves one luxury--$30/month for two Disneyland passes. With that, we are learning to live within our means but also not deprive ourselves of plain ol' fun.
“Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.”
The feeling of being "stuck" began to rear its earnest head. Oh, I've felt this before--the knob in the door of your heart that starts to jiggle and you just want to fling it open and retreat to wherever its leading to. The last time I felt stuck, I accepted an amazing ministry job offer in San Diego. I know now that it was the Lord, but if I were honest about my initial thoughts, I left just so I could prove to myself that I wasn't stuck, that my time and skills were worth more elsewhere. Definitely not the best reason why anyone should take up ministry at another fellowship. It was God's grace that mortified my flesh and made my time spent with that amazing church fruitful despite my selfishness and pride. The relationships built in that season of ministry are some of the best of my life. Soon enough, though, I was brought back to Murrieta. And here is this feeling again.
Okay, this time I've learned. I have resolved to press into contentment in whatever state I'm in like Paul did. That jiggling doorknob clamors but there's also a voice that says stay. So stay it is. Is it stay at my job? Is it stay in Murrieta? Is it stay in California? What is it? All I know is stay, so stay is what I'll do. No more retreating or taking the first offer that comes my way. Like all things that matter most, it's worth the wait. Until then, I'll take the ramen and adobo with joy, treasure those brisk walks around the lake, and hold my husband closer than ever.